Drunker Than Dickinson

The Lord of emo vampires has convinced
Emily Dickinson to do a keg stand
in exchange for his collected works about
F. Scott Fitzgerald’s foot fetish.

And this is not just
a Facebook post from your grandmother
or Faulkner with a mild case of whiskey dick.
This is The Millions
describing Zadie Smith’s new novel as
“Elizabeth Gilbert’s guru and a dystopian heroine
with an anachronistic skill
having a baby.”

This is true, baby.
True.

It’s me telling you:
having a baby is the anachronistic skill.

So, picture it:
Dickinson inverted,
Whittier and Hawthorne
holding her by the legs while
Emerson holds the tap
to her mouth.

(If you squint, you can see
Alcott in the corner
telling her sisters that
she’s got next.)

This is real, man. Real.
As real as
Edgar Allan Poe’s mustache.
Maybe more so.