Wild Lawyers | E. Christopher Clark

Wild Lawyers

Wild Lawyers were the scourge of Nunya during The First Age, until an anarchist called Richard Butcher formed a posse to hunt down and destroy the untamed attorneys once and for all.

 

Created by a group of human, elven, and dwarven lawmakers who had been driven mad by The Calamity which brought them to Eden, wild lawyers were a subspecies of amici imaginarium. Yes, they’d been brought to life through a series of contract negotiations instead of through the imagination of a child, but they were still just a bunch of ideas made real by the power of faith.

 

These instruments of destruction, created by their makers for the express written purpose of ridding the world of joy and happiness—they were relentless. Wherever they roamed, they served court orders, threatened legal action, and promised penalties for noncompliance. They sued the pants off the fans of the author C.S. Lewis when said fans wanted to call their new homeland REDACTED, leaving them despondent and trouserless. They deafened the children of Chelmsdale with legalese when those young whippersnappers dared to paint an unsanctioned mural of a certain cartoon mouse. And they almost killed the Everything Ever Produced project in its cradle by smothering the poor thing with an avalanche of cease & desist letters.

Basic Information

Anatomy

Because they were trying to be funny while also going slightly mad, the creators of the first wild lawyers imagined them as chimpanzees wearing suits. And so, that’s just what each of them looks like: a chimp in a three-piece.

Genetics and Reproduction

Wild lawyers, unlike actual chimpanzees, are sterile. They can only reproduce by gathering in a groups of three or more (plus witnesses) to draft articles of incorporation.

Growth Rate & Stages

Once the parties to its creation have signed it into existence, a wild lawyer emerges from the contract fully formed.

Dietary Needs and Habits

Wild lawyers subsist on the pain, sadness, and misery of others. In a pinch, they can get by on naught but mild discomfort, but they truly do prefer outright despondency and despair if they can get it.

EXTINCT
Genetic Ancestor(s)
Scientific Name
Advocatus ferox
Lifespan
12–15 years
Conservation Status
Extinct
Average Height
4' 11"
Average Weight
88–154 lbs
Geographic Distribution

Comments

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Jul 20, 2023 20:23 by Dr Emily Vair-Turnbull

Hahaha, poor lawyers. XD

Jul 21, 2023 13:14 by E. Christopher Clark

I know, I should have put a warning up there just in case I have any attorneys in my audience. :-)

Now it's time for the awkward wave.
Jul 21, 2023 01:06 by Chris L

What miserable little f---ers! I laughed at the thought of them reproducing through Articles of Incorporation!!


Learn about the World of Wizard's Peak and check out my award winning article about the Ghost Boy of Kirinal!

Jul 21, 2023 13:15 by E. Christopher Clark

Yay for getting a laugh! Yeah, I'm itching to do an illustration of them and a trio of chimps signing a document to create a new chimp might be a great subject.

Now it's time for the awkward wave.
Aug 18, 2023 22:10 by Dani

Every part of this made me cackle with glee! The list of their accomplishments in that 3rd paragraph made coffee go up my nose, but hey: since these guys are extinct, you're safe from their frivolous (3 piece) suits :D


You are doing a great job! Keep creating; I believe in you!
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Aug 18, 2023 23:38 by E. Christopher Clark

I'm lol'ing at "frivolous (3 piece) suits." Now, when I do the art eventually, I want to make the suits they're wearing look "frivolous" somehow.

Now it's time for the awkward wave.
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