Troll Disease

Troll Disease is the result of a supernatural curse visited upon the sapient beings of the world by the sister goddesses Mira and Phina. They sought to make their universe—Eden, in particular—a kinder place. They thought that by making metaphorical trolls turn into literal trolls, they could teach the cruel and the malicious that their actions have consequences.

They were, of course, wrong—at least in most cases.

Early symptoms include a hunched back, typically developed while leaning over a typewriter, a computing device, or a tavern tabletop to offer a stranger some “free” but unsolicited advice; an aversion to light, developed by spending so much time dispensing one’s opinion over the Inter- or EdenNet from the confines of one’s maternal basement; and the abandonment of basic hygiene because changing one’s undergarments or washing one’s body is deemed to be a waste of time.

All of that said, those symptoms can also be written off to a variety of other conditions. The first symptom to really worry about is the development of horns where there were none before. The second impossible-to-ignore symptom is the lengthening of the limbs. The third is the thickening and embiggening of the hands and feet. And the last symptom, the one generally regarded as the point of no return, is the transformation of the face.

The brow, nose, and chin become more pronounced. The expression is locked into one of permanent disapproval and disappointment, and the skin begins to sag under the weight of all of the people in the world who need to be reminded how it is, how it’s supposed to be, and what they’re doing wrong.

Tools and devices which amplify the afflicted individual’s ability to spread hate and sadness should be removed immediately. If it is possible to gag them, either physically or magically, you should do so as soon as possible.

After taking these steps, the afflicted individual should be enrolled, where available, in a course on Empathy, Listening Skills, or Basic Decency. When such measures are not available, consider providing the afflicted with recordings—mundane or magical—of their nicest grandparent, parent, or older sibling. And if that’s not an option either, lock the afflicted in a small screening room which plays an endless loop of videos capturing the exploits of baby animals.

Kittens, we have found, are particularly effective.

If the troll can be convinced that they have indeed been transformed, there is hope. Through the liberal application of cat memes and cognitive behavioral therapy, most trolls can eventually be returned to their former selves. You just need to be patient with them.

Very, very patient.

But remember: with some trolls, there is no hope at all. And when you encounter one of these, do your best to avoid and ignore them. They feed off of attention, after all. Deprive them of that, and they may be forced to turn back into a nicer person just to survive.