Nunyan Civil War
The Nunyan Civil War was an intrastate war between the long-standing Free Cities and the nascent United Cities, each of whom longed to dominate the Edenian sub-continent of Nunya.
The central cause of the war is still hotly debated, even centuries later. Many believe it was merely a fight over the definition of “traditional” Nunyan values, while others just as strongly believe that the war was all part of a plot by The Ginger Cut to gain control over the vast magical resources of the Nunyan city of Kirbyville.
The conflict famously came to an end, soon after the Battle of Kirbyville, when Abraham the Honest delivered a speech to leaders from both sides inside the rotunda of the Edenian Athenæum.
Since the creation of Eden at the start of the First Interregnum, the cities of Nunya cultivated a reputation for being ethnically diverse and multiracial. Unlike the elven-dominated societies of Wonderland, the dwarven and kíndallan cities of The Reek, and the halfling homeland of Oz, Nunyan cities like Chelmsdale, East Dumbstruck, and even far-flung Cawlderenell were built to be hedonistic, cosmopolitan paradises.
The elves of The Ginger Cut, however, had long disapproved. They had chosen Nunya as their Edenian base of operations because of the weakness they sensed there in the Veil of the World and they longed to control the place and drive all other species out.
That would make it easier to free their beloved elder gods from the prison of the Veil, after all.
By the Sixteenth Interregnum, sensing conservative elven distaste with the “loosening” standards of the Elind, The Cut began to fan the flames of discontent in Nunya. A movement for the preservation of traditional elven values sprang up, which was soon tied to a campaign to unite the heretofore “free” cities under a centralized government in the East.
The straw that broken the camel’s back was the first-ever elevation of a kíndallan to the position of Elind Knight. Elven conservatives, whose families had long fought to protect the The River Without End from kíndallan radicals, staged widespread protests. The popular peacemaking politician Abraham the Honest was vilified for his role in the kíndallan Knight’s Final Laudation—limiting his effectiveness in easing tensions. And finally, the elven-dominated cities of the east seceded from the confederation of the Free Cities to form their own nation: The United Cities.
The Nunyan Civil War officially began when Union forces marched on Paradise City—a settlement on the southern edge of Nunya which had declared its neutrality in the conflict, saying that “we'll join whichever side wins, man,” and trying to leave it at that.
But neutrality wasn’t possible in the minds of Union leaders. Neutrality, they believed, was what had gotten Nunya into this mess in the first place. The people of Paradise City needed to pick a side. And if they wouldn’t do it willingly, the decision would be made for them.
This was not a settlement built for battle, however. It was a pleasure town, known for its louche behavior and little else. And so, the Union army marched through the Twin Pillars of Salt which mark the gates of the city, stormed through the Golgotha Tenements, and had pushed all the way past The Line of Disgusting and into The Dirty Burg before the city’s Village Idiot finally handed over the keys to the city.
The remaining free cities, led by Chelmsdale and Kirbyville agreed on an alliance to save themselves from Paradise City’s fate. And thus, the war began.
Militias from across both the Free and United cities clashed across the Nunyan plains. They fought guerilla campaigns against one another in both the Melancholy and Morose Mountains. And they even took to the ice on occasion, fighting for control of The Nunyan Wastes and that land’s vast supply of Happy Place mushrooms—a helpful and much needed drug for soldiers suffering from severe PTSD.
Notable battles included the First Battle of the Roar, the Battle of Ward’s Dam, the Third Battle of Rogersmoor, and, of course, the climactic Battle of Kirbyville.
Though the unsanctioned Battle of Marcia Marcia’s Marshes was the actual last battle of the war, it mainly resulted in broken noses. And so, The Battle of Kirbyville—and the memorable speech it inspired—are seen by most as the end of the conflict.
Following the catastrophic loss of civilian life during The Battle of Kirbyville—including the inadvertent destruction, by the Union army, of an elven orphanage—The Grand Duchy of the Garden brokered a cease-fire. They invited the rising Nunyan politician Abraham Lincoln—an Earthling refugee—to address the leaders of both sides. And it is his stirring speech, “Abraham’s Address,” which led directly to the cessation of hostilities.
Lincoln spoke for a mere ten minutes—quoting from speeches he’d told in the days before his world came to an end (including the “House Divided Speech”) and speeches written by alternate versions of himself which he’d read while combing the stacks of the Edenian Athenæum—but those ten minutes were more than enough. The leaders of both sides were deeply moved by the quote Lincoln offered from the opening of “House Divided”, those famous words (on Earth at least) “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” And so, they agreed to make their ceasefire a permanent one.
Though The Ginger Cut pressed the Union leaders to continue the conflict, they could not overcome the remorse felt over the tremendous loss of life at Kirbyville. Thusly, the Union acquiesced to demands that the centralized government of their United Cities be dissolved and that Nunya be restored to the status quo—the “Free Cities model” which had served them well since time immemorial.
Abraham Lincoln cemented his reputation as Abraham the Honest, and went on to become the gold standard for Nunya’s Representative to The Council of Five.
And Kirbyville, who had been the birthplace of both generals—both Captain Nunya and the Iron Stache—regained its reputation as the Home of Heroes.
- 12,167 dead
- 9,400 wounded
- 42,667 dead
- 10,987 wounded
- Preserve the independence of the remaining non-united cities
- Restore the independence of those cities who had united under the centralized government of the east
- Persuade, however forcibly, the cities of Kirbyville and Chelmsdale to submit to the will of the Centralized Government of the East
- Unite the entirety of the Nunyan sub-continent under the banner of the Centralized Government
Love that a speech ended the war! Loved seeing Captain Nunya and Iron Stache in the article!
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E. Christopher Clark
Thanks! I meant to include more of Captain Nunya and Iron Stache, something about how in Nunyan wars a superhero is always selected as the general, but I ran out of time. Maybe I'll come back to it?